Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
