I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize