Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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