We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
