I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
