So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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