she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Randomize
