Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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