He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
