When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize