holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
it was like eating out sand paper
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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