I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
