so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
