I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm bleeding and have questions
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize