I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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