Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
