good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize