I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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