I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
You smell like a Billy Joel song
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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