I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Randomize
