Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize