lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
