Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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