So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
