dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I want a musical about memes.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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