someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
