My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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