I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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