I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
