Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
