I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
