All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
