On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
