Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Randomize
