Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
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