I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
