I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
