I'm passing your future prison.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
