when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize