i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
