I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
