My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
