May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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