You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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