so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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