I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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