Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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