I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
