all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
