True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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