i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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