You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
