and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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