in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
