i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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