Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize