if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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