I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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