My liver just broke up with me...
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Drunk is not a location!
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize