Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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